On Matters Concerning Mystery and the Heart

I feel really good. A transformation is occurring at layers beyond the usual depth and I’m enjoying how it is changing my mind, perspective and heart. I have been exploring a side of me that I usually ignore or stuff aside, my feminine self. The part of me that is soft, vulnerable, delicate, fragile and mysterious. I grew up a total tomboy, obsessed with rock music and sports like snowboarding which tends to be very male dominant. Most of my friends were guys and I took on a lot of masculine qualities as a way to conform and integrate with the world I wanted around me. My dominant qualities and beliefs became focused on strength, power, discipline, being tough and being stable. Having these qualities are great but not when it comes at the sacrifice of not allowing myself to ever be seen as vulnerable or delicate.  The masculine side of me became more dominant than the feminine and without my conscious knowledge the girl inside was being suffocated.

I didn’t understand the toll it was taking until I had the help of someone to guide me towards what I kept in the dark. I had a surprisingly adverse reaction to bringing out the feminine and it then became clear how deeply engrained this way of being was. I cringed when I had to call myself delicate or fragile. I had to really force myself to wear pink and red but at least that reaction softened really quickly.  The hardest part though, was embracing the mystery. 

If you know me even a little bit, this might seem strange from the outside looking in. Here’s this person who literally left everything for an unknown country and has often times left cities, jobs, family and friends in search for something more, yet something unknown. This is true however, when it comes to matters regarding the heart, I’m much less willing to enter the mystery. In fact I avoid it at all costs. I will do everything in my power to keep myself protected from this unknown however, this way of living has cost my heart a lot.

It wasn’t until recently that I received a very special gift. Someone I once knew showed me what it was like to have it all. To be in a place where I was fairly confident of an outcome or at least direction, in a position where I felt safe and secure and the side of me that fears the unknown was protected. Then, they showed me how in a matter of minutes it can all get ripped apart, stolen, unforgivingly torn away without a reason why. And just like that, my heart, soul and mind were plopped without a care into the darkness. Right next to Mystery, Fragility and Vulnerability. 

I call it a gift because that is what I needed to see clearly. If it wasn’t dramatic I would have missed it. In this place of pain, I was reduced down to so little control or knowing, that there wasn’t any other option than to sit next to Mystery and embrace her fully. I befriended her and she taught me that not knowing the answers, not knowing the future, especially in mattering regarding the heart, gave me a beautiful gift. It gave me my femininity back. It allowed me to step into a space of absolute wonder, freedom and wilderness. It allowed me to be ok with being fragile, delicate and vulnerable. I had no other way to be. 

The scariest affect of thinking you know the future or outcome is that, for me at least, I think my vision and perception of reality actually became skewed. Without conscious knowledge I started to see things that weren’t there because I wanted it so badly. And worse, I missed the things that were there because if I saw them truly and clearly it would have put me into a place of unknowing. A place where I didn’t feel safe. I literally became blind to reality in order to be in my safe place of knowing. Even though what I “knew” didn’t even exist.

To be held in the hands of Mystery is not an easier way to live but, in my opinion, it’s a more honourable way to spend our precious time here. What could possibly be more beautiful than allowing yourself to surrender and trust fully to the ways of the Universe and life? What I get reminded of over and over is that the more I try to control the outcome and think I know how all this will end, the more I am stepping into my own arrogance and blindness. As soon as I squash the vulnerability and mystery that lays so sweetly here for me, the more I dramatically limit all possibility. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen. None of us do. We can think we know but we don’t. As I learned again (you don’t just learn a lesson once, the universe so kindly tests you until it’s sure you’ve got it) you can try all you want to protect your heart by trying to predict the future but you might still get hurt in the end. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, or meet the love of my life tomorrow, or meet him in 10 years. I have no god damn clue. What I do know is that I want to live my damn life to the fullest everyday. To do that, I have to embrace the fact that I need to be vulnerable, I need to be delicate, I need to be a wild woman. I need to surrender to the fact that life is just one big ball of mystery. But most importantly, I need to stay excited for what’s to come.